Double Permanent Loss

This is just me

With a funny way of showing my love for u

Sometime i will say things that are contrast from what I've been tinking in my tiny little mind

In many ways.. I love to trap u with my tricks questions

Just to see if u love me

Isn't it easier for me just to ask?

But this is just me

I throw tantrums at you

Even when I have reasons or without reasons

I get jealous a lot

With or without reasons (Deym and Fook me so much)

But it's because i love u a lot

Loving me is such a painful thing for u

I know u can't take this torture anymore

Not even for one more day

I've turn myself into this so-called beast

And I dun like it either

I just wanna be the girl that u love

This is just me

And no way I'm gonna be the girl that you love baby

I am not the person who worth all the troubles

I guess it's gonna be a double permanent loss this time

I'm not strong

This is just me..

But I guess, at least... Billy Joel will never blame me

Cause I'm always a woman to him (Deym..)

And cause of that

I'm asking...

God please preserve my heart

I want it to be as cold as ice

Let it be freezin cold iced through out the years

Through out many many years!

But let it melt when the right summer comes

(Deym.. not just any summer.. will there be a right summer for me?)

When the first leaves touches the ground

Let me be lost and never will be able to find my way back to him

But let me come back when another heart is meant to be my home

The home that accept me

And this beast inside me

Permanent Loss

On 25th of feb, i got a call from my cousin.. from Hospital Raja Permaisuri Bainun. (known formerly as Hospital Besar Ipoh)


Kazen : Dah dapat berita ke? ( Sobbing)

Me : ....(silence) thinking to myself

Kazen : Hello? Hello? Dah dapat berita ke?

Me : Hello. Apa? Tak dapat lagi..

Kazen : Atuk dah tak de.

I am not ignorance about my atuk's health condition. Since dari hari pertama dia sakit.. I am the cucu yg selalu hantar dia pergi clinic and hospital. So i know i can say.. it is not his time yet. And I know, nobody can argue that with me. Atuk is a very strong man. He could go thorugh any disasters and will still make it thorugh. In fact, he made it n i believe he was suppose to be around even until now. Too much of mistakes... N it is all unacceptable to me. But I'm just a grandchild. I am nobody.

I selalu akan datang rumah dia, to fetch him up with my mum and took him to clinic. He would tell the doc and the doc gave him sum pills. They are vitamins and pain killers. Atuk is not living with us.. He has got another family. And I believe he was a happy man.

I doubted the medical care because he stayed away from us. He has been consuming the pain killers and had effects wit his gastric thingy. Atuk selalu malas nak makan.. kenapa tuk? Bila malas makan, dia asyik minum tea.. tea.. tea.. coffee.. coffee.. I nak tanya.. "kenapa tuk?"

One day atuk sakit perut.. i went to fetch atuk with mum.. i saw atuk looked so pale. When he as sitting, he was like can't breath. Instead of taking atuk to clinic, we took atuk to a hospital. I nak tekan kan kat sini.. it was a Hospital Kerajaan. Bukan nak berlagak... tapi really not my mum's style to admit loved ones to hospital kerajaan. Cos my mum was a nurse in a private hospital (Tung Shin and Pantai Puteri). So my mum kinda know which offers the best medical care. Tapi masa tu takde pilihan. Persetujuan antara anak beranak je.. ada yg menentang. Tapi sekarang dah tak ada lagi org tua tu, agaknya yg menentang tu rasa apa la ya..

He was stranded there.. with nurse2 pelatih. my mum had to beg to see nurse yg in charge and begged like this.. "staff, tolong la.. buatla sesuatu. bapak saya nie sakit. buat la sesuatu, trasfer ke" So.. then atuk was transfered to Hospital Besar Ipoh. Which is even worse! No doubt the doc is good. But not the medical care/attention given to my atuk. The doc insisted on an urgent surgery to my atuk. Cos the effect of consuming the pain killer pills, he suffered to have his stomach bocor and the gas was out in his stomach. Urgent surgery is needed to prevent infection to other organs. But my mum refused due to his age (76yrs old).

My mum wanted to transfer him to Pantai Puteri Hospital for the best medical treatment. But the doc said there was no time for tat. The doc said, mum will waste more time coz atuk will need to undergo blood test and etc again dekat Pantai Puteri. So, diorg anak beranak agree to the operation. Sometimes after operation, my atuk boleh buka mata. Kenal org. My mum dah bagi susu n dia boleh minum. Bawak dia mandi. He even asked my mum to tempah seluar baru cos dia dah kurus.

These prove that the doc is a good doc, the operation was a success and my atuk was completely healthy and even planned to go home to tempah seluar. He was not dying! Tapi after 1 day in ICU, they pushed my atuk to normal ward. When asked, they said, the ICU required an empty bed. Okay! memang nyawa lain dalam pertarungan tapi kalau kat private hospital, this wont be happening. In private hospitals, all lives are valuable! Terlalu banyak kesilapan pihak hospital.. Biar i mentioned kat sini, HOSPITAL BESAR IPOH!

Air bubble dalam drip air.. nobody attend to that. Back flow dlm drip.. The nurses will be looking at each other and say "eh bukan transfer darah ke?" Bodoh tul. They gave him empty oxygen n nobody attend to that. When called and asked they'll say, "eh ye la dia SOB (short of breathing) again, that was so silly!

Right after the operation, we shud have transfer him to Pantai Puteri. We shud have send him there ealier. Nurses and docs pelatih ambil darah dia n cucuk dia macam apa je. I didnt cry until i buka muka jenazah atuk. I held his hand.. There were bruises all over. I cried when i saw that.. The reason for his death is cardiogenic shock, secondary to AMI (Acute Myocardial Infarct). That is just on the name.. but wat happen actually? They chased my mum away, even when my mum was standing 2 beds away from my atuk. What cud have possibly go wrong? What did they do? Cos my mum was the last person to see he was still alive n blinking his eyes right before he was restless.

I didnt cry at all. But I cried when I kissed him as he was lying and not moving. I was staring at him n he was not moving. i tot to myself, how can that body not moving anymore now? When dia dikapankan, i cried, he used to do everything on his own, now seeing 6 to 7 men doing him, i realize he is so helpless now. Death.. is it really the end to everything? When u lost something, u can always find it back..or get a new one. Can i even turn back time?

I was blur n numb till now. Regardless apa kenangan lalu.. He is still my grandfather even after he is till long gone.. I tried to remember sweet memories antara i dgn dia. Tak ada banyak tapi ada a few yg boleh i ingat. Masa i kecil dulu, dia selalu beli gula-gula oren kat i.. Gula-gula tu bentuk bujur.. tengah-tengah dia ada warna putih n kalau i hisap sampai tengah-tengah, nanti rasa masam. I suka gula-gula tu. He would buy around 10biji, wrapped in surat khabar. Dia akan bagi macam tu je kat i, n he would ask cucu2 dia to bahagi sama rata.

I teringat juga, masa i pergi hantar dia clinic n hospital. My mum banyak spend untuk kesihatan atuk n i got involved to hantar mum n atuk. I remember those moments.. My mum cudnt help to cry.. she regret hantar atuk to Hospital Ipoh. To me, i dapat bermesra dgn atuk sepanjang i selalu bawa dia pergi check up. I will always remember him n pray for him. This cud be a promise he have made to God and nothing can be done. Maybe this is the way how it is suppose to be. I learned a lot. I think if atuk died after dapat the best medical attention, at least kita tak terkilan. Kalau org yg i sayang sakit, I promise to myself to give the best medical attention! I takkan sesekali pergi hospital kerajaan lagi. kalu i yg mati kat hospital kerajaan takpe. Tapi bukan org yang I sayang..

To me, it was a total lost! It was a PERMANENT LOSS! As i wont be able to hear his voice lagi.. I wont be able to see him lagi.. As I wont be able to taste his lemang during raya lagi.. As i wont be able...in many ways that a person is not able anymore... not able to breath with this truth.

...xoxo...xoxo...

Darling, can't you see?

What loosing you have done to me..

I'm not the same man I used to be..

Have a change of heart..

Don't keep me standing in the dark..

Don't let confusion keep us apart..

Come back to me..

And I guarantee of the tenderness and love you'll ever need..

This time I'll be sweeter, our love will run deeper..

I won't mess around, I won't let you down..

Have faith in me..

Dream Box

I put my dream in a box

So they'll never spoil

Hidden from the sunlight

Underneath the soil

You can never be too careful with a secret

As someone once said

But would it be safer to keep it locked up in my head?

Be My Valentine

Wah! Holla again.. It's Valentines! A celebration of love.. But this time, my baby is so far away from me. So i guess no valentine for me this year. But baby, i dun need valentines day to be on the calendar to celebrate my love for u. I celebrate my love for u everyday sweetheart.. Too bad u r so far away from me. I wish i cud plant soft kiss on yr cheeck..

Hari nie I woke up.. Waiting for my baby to call me. N he did! So we talked.. A few min of romance.. (mabuk rasanya). Then i mms to him a picture of a lil something that i bought for him.. After that, my baby was long gone. I missed him sehari suntuk ni. Then I was getting ready to attend my cousin's enggagement ceremony. I went there with my mom. Oh how I hate to attend weddings or apa2 saja yg sewaktu dgnnya.

But this is my cousin I'm talking about. I would be so mean not to attend kan? Nanti bila tiba time i pula, takde org nak dtg, barulah padan dgn my face! My cousin ni male. N some more younger than me pula. The union of two souls thingy nie kinda give me a headache when my mom starts to worry about me getting the partner of my life. Well, i already have one.. It just that no one knows bout it.

So when I reached there, tgk ramai tol org. I tot how romantic to get enggage on valentines. So I took some pixs.. N was so hungry n cant wait for the food to be served! Banyak la pulak lauk yang dihidangkan. No wonder la coz the girl was the only daughter n her family ada biz catering..sorta. I sigh from afar.. But happy for my cousin. He came to tunjuk muka.. since the girl's family insist him to come. He showed me peace je dari jauh. So i peace back! I was the only female cousin yg datang. Jobless la katakan..

Every min pun, i kept tinking bout my baby. Agaknya dia tau ke yang I nie sayang kat dia? Sebab dia asyik cakap i tak sayang dia. Even seeing two people joining their souls together pun i berangan kan dia lagi.. rugi betul la kalau dia tak tau. I ate a lil je.. lauk sedap, air pun sedap. Just tat i was missing my baby. When it was about time to leave, i tolong la angkat hantaran yang dibalas pihak perempuan. I tgk perfume apa.. kasut brand apa.. Tiba2 i tot, if it's my baby, I promised him a ferrari. Maybe I would put a ferrari's car keys as hantaran.. huhu

I cant believe it happened again! My mum telah minta sireh yg ada di tepak sireh itu, barang 3, 4 helai n suruh i makan. She said 'sireh jodoh' will let my jodoh cepat dtg.. Here goes my conversation with my mum when i was driving home..

Mum : Nanti kamu makan sireh tu. Mak mintok kat deme tadi..

Me : Berapa mak ambil tadi?

Mum : Ade le. Dalam 4, 3 helei (helai). Tak boleh ambek bebanyok. Sireh tu ghamai org ndok.

Me : Mak percaya ke menda-menda nie? (dgn nada selamba)

Mum : Ngape? Kamu tau ke ngape org ndok sgt sireh tu? sireh tu dah di doakan. Yang orang baca doa tadi, itu le die.. seri pengantin lekat kat kamu, jodoh pun cepat dtg.. pasei tu le. Kamu makan semua karang.

Me : em ye la.. (trying to please my mum)

So sampai rumah i pun makan la.. Anything to make my mum happy. But baby, its valentines. N i'm still tinking about u. Tapi kalau tak valentines pun, i will still be thinking bout u too. I felt so tired. Fell asleep. When I woke up, i went out n beli ticket for movies. Nak tgk cerita upin and ipin esok. Bosan kan my day? Yeah baby, when u r away, it is always tat way. cos when u r around, u always make my day!

sekadar ucapan bersahaja....

I wish valentines to my frens.. Nana, thanks for being there thru my ups n downs. To chunky, u have been a very great friend n great listener too. To akmar, u never leave me when i need u the most. To mizi, u mean so much to me. Thanks for watching my back. To kak tini, u r what frens are about. Happy valentines to all my frens!

To my family.. mak.. thank you for everything. Dari lahir sampai dah besar, tak pernah kurang apa pun. To abah, u're d greatest dad ever. To abg.. ko ni belajar rajin2.. wish u luck dgn dania. Hati2 la.. it takes real eyes for u to tell which one is the real love. Look beyond than just the surface la. To adik, kak sayang kamu. Suka tidur ngan kamu.. dapat peluk2.. Eee geram.. Kalo ko terror, aim la straight As dalam SPM plak.. wahaha I dare u!

To my baby.. Valentines is like every other day. N every other day u gave me is like valentines to me. I love u like sand on the beach times three.. sebab tu ada 3 bears. I sayang u sgt. U jgn la asyik cakap i ada org lain. coz i only have u alone je. U mean the world, sun and stars to me. I dun ever want u to go away.. I will always be asking for extra time cos i know u wont. I wont care much if u want to complain bout my cooking but one day u have to taste em. i will make u n u better dun show me that u hesitate eh.. Kiss nanti! You have to sing to me everytime i geram with u. I saaayang u sgt! Lets have durian tepi pantai lagi. Lets have supper together again. Im mising u so deym much! I love you so 'something' baby... N I'm talking about forever and a day baby!

Would you be my valentine honey?? I love you so much.. deym!!

With Nothing But Your T-shirt On..

Shontelle - T-Shirt

Hey, let me tell u know
Oooh Baby..

Tryin to decide, tryin to decide
If I really wanna go out tonight
I never used to go out witout ya
Not sure i remember how to

Gonna be late, gonna be late but
All my girls gonna have to wait cause
I dun know if i like my outfit
I tried everything in my closet

Nothing feels right when I'm not with you
Sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos
Taking them off cos I feel a fool
Tryin to dress up when I'm missing u
I'ma step out of this lingerie
Curl up in a ball with something Hanes
In bed I lay, with nothing but your t-shirt on
Oooh, with nothing but your t-shirt on

Hey
Gotta be strong, gotta be strong but I'm
Really hurting now that you're gone
I thought maybe I'd do some shopping
But I cudn't get past the door and

Now I dun know, now I dun know if I'm
Ever really gonna let you go and I
Cudn't even leave my apartment
I'm stripped down torn up about it

Nothing feels right when I'm not with you
Sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos
Taking them off cos I feel a fool
Tryin to dress up when I'm missing you
I'ma step out of this lingerie
Curl up in a ball with something Hanes
In bed I lay, with nothing but your t-shirt on
(I'm all by myself with) with nothing but your t-shirt on
Ohh with nothing but your t-shirt on
(Cos I miss you, cos I miss you) with nothing but your t-shirt on
(said I miss you baby)

Tryin to decide, trying to decide if I
Really wanna go out tonight
I cudn't even leave my apartment
I'm stripped down torn up about it

Cause nothing feels right when I'm not with you
Sick of this dress and this Jimmy Choos
Taking them off cos I feel a fool
Tryin to dress up when I'm missing you
I'ma step out of this lingerie
Curl up in a ball with something Hanes
In bed I lay

Hey hey nothing feels right when I'm not with you
Sick of this dress and this Jimmy Choos
Taking them off cos I feel a fool
Tryin to dress up when I'm missing you (cos I miss you)
I'ma step out of this lingerie
Curl up in a ball with something Hanes
In bed I lay
(I would be in bed) with nothing but your t-shirt on
Said i got nothing but your t-shirt on

Hey (Cos I want to be close to you)
With nothing but your t-shirt on
I remember when you like to see me
With nothing but your t-shirt on
Hey (nothing but your t-shirt on)
Let me tell you know (nothing but your t-shirt on)
With nothing but your t-shirt on