Permanent Loss

On 25th of feb, i got a call from my cousin.. from Hospital Raja Permaisuri Bainun. (known formerly as Hospital Besar Ipoh)


Kazen : Dah dapat berita ke? ( Sobbing)

Me : ....(silence) thinking to myself

Kazen : Hello? Hello? Dah dapat berita ke?

Me : Hello. Apa? Tak dapat lagi..

Kazen : Atuk dah tak de.

I am not ignorance about my atuk's health condition. Since dari hari pertama dia sakit.. I am the cucu yg selalu hantar dia pergi clinic and hospital. So i know i can say.. it is not his time yet. And I know, nobody can argue that with me. Atuk is a very strong man. He could go thorugh any disasters and will still make it thorugh. In fact, he made it n i believe he was suppose to be around even until now. Too much of mistakes... N it is all unacceptable to me. But I'm just a grandchild. I am nobody.

I selalu akan datang rumah dia, to fetch him up with my mum and took him to clinic. He would tell the doc and the doc gave him sum pills. They are vitamins and pain killers. Atuk is not living with us.. He has got another family. And I believe he was a happy man.

I doubted the medical care because he stayed away from us. He has been consuming the pain killers and had effects wit his gastric thingy. Atuk selalu malas nak makan.. kenapa tuk? Bila malas makan, dia asyik minum tea.. tea.. tea.. coffee.. coffee.. I nak tanya.. "kenapa tuk?"

One day atuk sakit perut.. i went to fetch atuk with mum.. i saw atuk looked so pale. When he as sitting, he was like can't breath. Instead of taking atuk to clinic, we took atuk to a hospital. I nak tekan kan kat sini.. it was a Hospital Kerajaan. Bukan nak berlagak... tapi really not my mum's style to admit loved ones to hospital kerajaan. Cos my mum was a nurse in a private hospital (Tung Shin and Pantai Puteri). So my mum kinda know which offers the best medical care. Tapi masa tu takde pilihan. Persetujuan antara anak beranak je.. ada yg menentang. Tapi sekarang dah tak ada lagi org tua tu, agaknya yg menentang tu rasa apa la ya..

He was stranded there.. with nurse2 pelatih. my mum had to beg to see nurse yg in charge and begged like this.. "staff, tolong la.. buatla sesuatu. bapak saya nie sakit. buat la sesuatu, trasfer ke" So.. then atuk was transfered to Hospital Besar Ipoh. Which is even worse! No doubt the doc is good. But not the medical care/attention given to my atuk. The doc insisted on an urgent surgery to my atuk. Cos the effect of consuming the pain killer pills, he suffered to have his stomach bocor and the gas was out in his stomach. Urgent surgery is needed to prevent infection to other organs. But my mum refused due to his age (76yrs old).

My mum wanted to transfer him to Pantai Puteri Hospital for the best medical treatment. But the doc said there was no time for tat. The doc said, mum will waste more time coz atuk will need to undergo blood test and etc again dekat Pantai Puteri. So, diorg anak beranak agree to the operation. Sometimes after operation, my atuk boleh buka mata. Kenal org. My mum dah bagi susu n dia boleh minum. Bawak dia mandi. He even asked my mum to tempah seluar baru cos dia dah kurus.

These prove that the doc is a good doc, the operation was a success and my atuk was completely healthy and even planned to go home to tempah seluar. He was not dying! Tapi after 1 day in ICU, they pushed my atuk to normal ward. When asked, they said, the ICU required an empty bed. Okay! memang nyawa lain dalam pertarungan tapi kalau kat private hospital, this wont be happening. In private hospitals, all lives are valuable! Terlalu banyak kesilapan pihak hospital.. Biar i mentioned kat sini, HOSPITAL BESAR IPOH!

Air bubble dalam drip air.. nobody attend to that. Back flow dlm drip.. The nurses will be looking at each other and say "eh bukan transfer darah ke?" Bodoh tul. They gave him empty oxygen n nobody attend to that. When called and asked they'll say, "eh ye la dia SOB (short of breathing) again, that was so silly!

Right after the operation, we shud have transfer him to Pantai Puteri. We shud have send him there ealier. Nurses and docs pelatih ambil darah dia n cucuk dia macam apa je. I didnt cry until i buka muka jenazah atuk. I held his hand.. There were bruises all over. I cried when i saw that.. The reason for his death is cardiogenic shock, secondary to AMI (Acute Myocardial Infarct). That is just on the name.. but wat happen actually? They chased my mum away, even when my mum was standing 2 beds away from my atuk. What cud have possibly go wrong? What did they do? Cos my mum was the last person to see he was still alive n blinking his eyes right before he was restless.

I didnt cry at all. But I cried when I kissed him as he was lying and not moving. I was staring at him n he was not moving. i tot to myself, how can that body not moving anymore now? When dia dikapankan, i cried, he used to do everything on his own, now seeing 6 to 7 men doing him, i realize he is so helpless now. Death.. is it really the end to everything? When u lost something, u can always find it back..or get a new one. Can i even turn back time?

I was blur n numb till now. Regardless apa kenangan lalu.. He is still my grandfather even after he is till long gone.. I tried to remember sweet memories antara i dgn dia. Tak ada banyak tapi ada a few yg boleh i ingat. Masa i kecil dulu, dia selalu beli gula-gula oren kat i.. Gula-gula tu bentuk bujur.. tengah-tengah dia ada warna putih n kalau i hisap sampai tengah-tengah, nanti rasa masam. I suka gula-gula tu. He would buy around 10biji, wrapped in surat khabar. Dia akan bagi macam tu je kat i, n he would ask cucu2 dia to bahagi sama rata.

I teringat juga, masa i pergi hantar dia clinic n hospital. My mum banyak spend untuk kesihatan atuk n i got involved to hantar mum n atuk. I remember those moments.. My mum cudnt help to cry.. she regret hantar atuk to Hospital Ipoh. To me, i dapat bermesra dgn atuk sepanjang i selalu bawa dia pergi check up. I will always remember him n pray for him. This cud be a promise he have made to God and nothing can be done. Maybe this is the way how it is suppose to be. I learned a lot. I think if atuk died after dapat the best medical attention, at least kita tak terkilan. Kalau org yg i sayang sakit, I promise to myself to give the best medical attention! I takkan sesekali pergi hospital kerajaan lagi. kalu i yg mati kat hospital kerajaan takpe. Tapi bukan org yang I sayang..

To me, it was a total lost! It was a PERMANENT LOSS! As i wont be able to hear his voice lagi.. I wont be able to see him lagi.. As I wont be able to taste his lemang during raya lagi.. As i wont be able...in many ways that a person is not able anymore... not able to breath with this truth.