I went for interview today. Met Mr. B. a friend of him. Talking to Mr. B, I felt closer to him.
The words he used.. The idea he conveyed to me.. was all amazing. I cant help to think bout him. But he went away.. I should move on.
I wish life treats u kind.
About Me
- miss blogger girl
- i made mistakes a lot. I complaint a lot. I came with fuckloads of emotional garbage with me.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Apa nak buat ni?
Today, when I was driving, I saw a rainbow. "Cantiknya", I thought to myself. Dah lama aku tak tengok rainbow. Tiba2 aku nampak pula. Aku pernah kata kau macam pelangi. Bila ribut taufan dan hujan dah berhenti, kau muncul. Cantiknya.. Tapi sayang, aku tak pernah bgtau kau yang kau dtg sementara je, macam pelangi.
Aku tak tahu, kenapa aku menangis sekarang. Sebab aku rasa kau jahat sgt buat aku macam ni. Sebab aku rasa kau jahat sgt sebab mungkir janji. Teruknya aku rasa bila kau sakitkan hati.
Aku xsuka jatuh cinta. Aku xmahu jatuh cinta lagi. Tapi aku sunyi sendiri. Apa aku nak buat ni?
Aku tak tahu, kenapa aku menangis sekarang. Sebab aku rasa kau jahat sgt buat aku macam ni. Sebab aku rasa kau jahat sgt sebab mungkir janji. Teruknya aku rasa bila kau sakitkan hati.
Aku xsuka jatuh cinta. Aku xmahu jatuh cinta lagi. Tapi aku sunyi sendiri. Apa aku nak buat ni?
Friday, June 25, 2010
Asyik MC je!
Adoyai.. hari ni susah betul aku nak bangun. Penat semacam je badan ni aku rasa. Dulu aku x mcm ni. Aku rasa reasonnya ialah aku x suka kerja aku. Sebab aku x suka kerja aku ialah kerana boss aku tu is a pain in the ass. Dulu, aku ingat aku boleh stand semua orang. Tapi ternyata, x semua org aku leh handle. Nak nak pulak yang macam boss aku ni. First time la aku jumpa org macam tu, and aku harap x jumpa lagi. Workload dah la satu hal, ditambah pula dengan perangai boss aku yang entah apa-apa and kolej pulak nak main-main time bayar gaji. Makanya, aku tender resignation notice of 2 weeks dari position English Lecturer ni. Haaaa jgn main2. Aku ni gila sikit. Aku xsuka, aku blah.. tanpa memikir panjang.
Aku sayang students aku cuma management yg teruk. I have to go. Jgn risau, aku dah dpt kerja lain. 1hb ni aku start. Diorg pun offer slightly better pay. Hari tu aku dah MC, hari ni pun MC lagi. Asyik MC je. Aku dah xde hati sebenarnya. Minggu ni je aku kerja 2 hari. Aku memang bukan profesional. Aku memang suka buat perangai and ikut hati. Tu pun kalau aku x happy. Ye la life bukan selalu happy. Tapi ni kerja beb! Working environment kenala happy! Barula motivated to go to work. I hate the management and my boss! Kelly sungguh!
Boss aku skunk tgh bagi aku one kind of a look. Yg pasti aku xsuka tat kind of look. Aku gitau boss aku sebab aku nak resign ialah becos of the late salary. Ada byk reason yg aku simpan, tapi late salary is the main reason y aku nak resign. Management plak try to potray kat boss aku yg aku resign becos of the workload bukan pasal late salary. I repeat again, yes workload is like hell! But at least dah penat, i hope to get what i expected (salary) on time! Payah sgt ke nak paham? Masa meeting tu plak boss aku MC. Dia mungkin dgr cerita version lain. Aku pun dah xde hati. So I couldnt care less and I couldnt be bothered!
Kereta aku plak meragam. Xleh nak salahkan dia gak. Dah lama dia x meragam. Apala salahnya dia meragam sekali sekala. Tapi sekali dia meragam, aku yang sakit... Adoiyai. So aku nak balik kg hari ni. Aku sempit duk kl ni. Buhsan. Jadi just nak bgtau aku mc hari ni sebab "x sihat". Okla. Aku nak siap2 and drive. Nanti aku bitchin lagi.
Aku sayang students aku cuma management yg teruk. I have to go. Jgn risau, aku dah dpt kerja lain. 1hb ni aku start. Diorg pun offer slightly better pay. Hari tu aku dah MC, hari ni pun MC lagi. Asyik MC je. Aku dah xde hati sebenarnya. Minggu ni je aku kerja 2 hari. Aku memang bukan profesional. Aku memang suka buat perangai and ikut hati. Tu pun kalau aku x happy. Ye la life bukan selalu happy. Tapi ni kerja beb! Working environment kenala happy! Barula motivated to go to work. I hate the management and my boss! Kelly sungguh!
Boss aku skunk tgh bagi aku one kind of a look. Yg pasti aku xsuka tat kind of look. Aku gitau boss aku sebab aku nak resign ialah becos of the late salary. Ada byk reason yg aku simpan, tapi late salary is the main reason y aku nak resign. Management plak try to potray kat boss aku yg aku resign becos of the workload bukan pasal late salary. I repeat again, yes workload is like hell! But at least dah penat, i hope to get what i expected (salary) on time! Payah sgt ke nak paham? Masa meeting tu plak boss aku MC. Dia mungkin dgr cerita version lain. Aku pun dah xde hati. So I couldnt care less and I couldnt be bothered!
Kereta aku plak meragam. Xleh nak salahkan dia gak. Dah lama dia x meragam. Apala salahnya dia meragam sekali sekala. Tapi sekali dia meragam, aku yang sakit... Adoiyai. So aku nak balik kg hari ni. Aku sempit duk kl ni. Buhsan. Jadi just nak bgtau aku mc hari ni sebab "x sihat". Okla. Aku nak siap2 and drive. Nanti aku bitchin lagi.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Cerita Tentang Bulan..
Andai kita bicara tentang bulan, macam2 yg aku rasakan. Aku suka bulan. Kerana aku rasa tenang tiap kali aku lihat bulan. Aku banyak cerita tentang bulan. Semasa aku masih anak-anak kecil, ayahanda akan memandu kereta. Melalui jalan lama.. Sambil menemani ayahanda, aku akan menjenguk keluar tingkap kereta. Aku masih teringat, malam itu sgt terang. Lalu aku lontarkan pandangan ke langit tinggi. Lalu aku terpandang bulan yang terang. Tika itu, aku ingin sekali jadi seperti ayanhanda. Memandu kereta dengan pro sekali. Kini aku sudah 25 tahun. Bukan anak-anak kecil lagi. Aku sudah memandu, dan bonda pernah berkata, pemanduan ku seperti ayahanda. Begitu dekat sekali persamaannya. Dalam perjalanan pulang ke kampung, dadaku akan berdebar-debar. Tak sabar mahu berjumpa opah. Bulan pada malam itu, simbol kerinduanku pada opah. Simbol kerinduan ku pada kampung halaman.
Bila remaja, aku merantau pula. Menyambung pelajaran demi segulung ijazah. Dalam perjalanan itu, aku ditakdirkan bertemu dengan cinta hatiku, yang kini telah pergi. Bila berjalan merentasi tennis court, dan dia berada dihujung talian.. dia memandang bulan. dia katakan padaku bahawa bulan sangat terang pada malam itu. Lalu, aku lontarkan pandangan ke langit nan tinggi. CANTIK bisikku padanya. Setelah beberapa tika yg lama tidak memandang bulan, aku bersua mata dengan sang bulan lagi. Saat dia dan aku jauh, pandangan kami tertumpu pada sesuatu yang sama. B.U.L.A.N Bulan pada masa itu, simbol cintaku padanya. Bulan pada masa itu, saksi kepada sebuah kebahagiaan.
Malam ini aku mahu pulang ke kampung halaman. Ingin dekat dengan bonda dan ayahanda. Dan berada di negeri tanah tumpahnya darahku, aku ingin melihat bulan lagi.. Dan malam ini, bulan akan menjadi simbol penemanku yang sendiri. Dan bulan tentu tau apa didalam hatiku.
Bila remaja, aku merantau pula. Menyambung pelajaran demi segulung ijazah. Dalam perjalanan itu, aku ditakdirkan bertemu dengan cinta hatiku, yang kini telah pergi. Bila berjalan merentasi tennis court, dan dia berada dihujung talian.. dia memandang bulan. dia katakan padaku bahawa bulan sangat terang pada malam itu. Lalu, aku lontarkan pandangan ke langit nan tinggi. CANTIK bisikku padanya. Setelah beberapa tika yg lama tidak memandang bulan, aku bersua mata dengan sang bulan lagi. Saat dia dan aku jauh, pandangan kami tertumpu pada sesuatu yang sama. B.U.L.A.N Bulan pada masa itu, simbol cintaku padanya. Bulan pada masa itu, saksi kepada sebuah kebahagiaan.
Malam ini aku mahu pulang ke kampung halaman. Ingin dekat dengan bonda dan ayahanda. Dan berada di negeri tanah tumpahnya darahku, aku ingin melihat bulan lagi.. Dan malam ini, bulan akan menjadi simbol penemanku yang sendiri. Dan bulan tentu tau apa didalam hatiku.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Bila cinta..
Bila cinta, semuanya indah. Kita bagi hati, kita bagi kepercayaan, walau maruah sekalipun kita serahkan. Tapi bila bercinta, sebenarnya tak semuanya indah. Tambah2 lagi bila yang kita cinta itu, milik orang. Yang hatinya dah tentu2 sentiasa terisi dengan cinta yang lain. Ironinya, menyintai orang ini, membuat aku terasa segala yang tak mungkin adalah mungkin. Aku rasa, aku tak boleh itu. aku rasa aku tak boleh ini. tapi aku terasa semuanya boleh kalau dia yang mendorong. Lihatlah betapa aku mengagungkan cinta dia. Orang yang aku cinta ini sangat baik.
Tetapi mungkin ada salahnya aku juga, sehingga dia yang lemah lembut boleh meninggalkan aku begitu saja. Seolah tidak punya hati dan perasaan. Jelas sekali aku tak sepatutnya terlalu mencintai dia sehingga tiada sisa untuk aku mencintai diri aku. Sudahnya hati aku yang remuk dan berkecai. Aku ingin sekali membenci dia. Tapi aku fikir tiada gunanya membenci dia, yang pernah menyintai aku dan banyak berbudi terhadap diri aku. Jika dulu aku menyintainya dan redha andai tidak bersama, mengapa mahu membenci sekarang dan mempertikaikan?
Jadi aku putuskan, untuk memejam mata ini dan bila terbuka esok, aku anggap semuanya mimpi. Dan ya.. indahnya mimpi itu. tetapi pengakhiran tidaklah begitu membahagaiakan. Tapi tidak mengapa, semuanya mimpi saja. Bila ku bangun tidur, semua yang seperti didalam mimpi tidak pun terjadi. Tiada lagi deringan telefon, Tiada lagi senda tawa. Aku bangun dan aku dapati aku sendiri melewati hari2 yang berlalu. Aku sedih dan mahu tidur semula untuk kembali kepada mimpi itu. Tapi aku bukan anak2 kecil lagi. Seandainya aku kembali bermimpi, segala yang realistik akan aku tinggalkan. Sudah la selama ini aku berpaling dari org yang menyayangi aku dan aku hanya memandangkan kepadanya yang aku cintai. Aku fikir it's better for me to stay awake.
There are other things that need my attention. Jadi aku teruskan melangkah, aku terus senyum mendengar jenaka kawan2. Aku pulang ke kampung halaman mencari ketenangan bersama keluarga. Cuma penawarnya (opah)sudah tiada. Jadi aku fikir, luka yang dalam ini mungkin perlukan masa untuk sembuh. Lambat atau cepat, semua ini pengalaman yang mematangkan fikiran. jadi kepada insan yang datang dan menghulurkan cinta, aku sambut dengan mesra. Maafkan aku atas ketidak sempurnaan diri ku dan pulihkan ku sediakala.
Kalau aku rindukan dia sekalipun, ada yang lebih aku rindukan.
Tetapi mungkin ada salahnya aku juga, sehingga dia yang lemah lembut boleh meninggalkan aku begitu saja. Seolah tidak punya hati dan perasaan. Jelas sekali aku tak sepatutnya terlalu mencintai dia sehingga tiada sisa untuk aku mencintai diri aku. Sudahnya hati aku yang remuk dan berkecai. Aku ingin sekali membenci dia. Tapi aku fikir tiada gunanya membenci dia, yang pernah menyintai aku dan banyak berbudi terhadap diri aku. Jika dulu aku menyintainya dan redha andai tidak bersama, mengapa mahu membenci sekarang dan mempertikaikan?
Jadi aku putuskan, untuk memejam mata ini dan bila terbuka esok, aku anggap semuanya mimpi. Dan ya.. indahnya mimpi itu. tetapi pengakhiran tidaklah begitu membahagaiakan. Tapi tidak mengapa, semuanya mimpi saja. Bila ku bangun tidur, semua yang seperti didalam mimpi tidak pun terjadi. Tiada lagi deringan telefon, Tiada lagi senda tawa. Aku bangun dan aku dapati aku sendiri melewati hari2 yang berlalu. Aku sedih dan mahu tidur semula untuk kembali kepada mimpi itu. Tapi aku bukan anak2 kecil lagi. Seandainya aku kembali bermimpi, segala yang realistik akan aku tinggalkan. Sudah la selama ini aku berpaling dari org yang menyayangi aku dan aku hanya memandangkan kepadanya yang aku cintai. Aku fikir it's better for me to stay awake.
There are other things that need my attention. Jadi aku teruskan melangkah, aku terus senyum mendengar jenaka kawan2. Aku pulang ke kampung halaman mencari ketenangan bersama keluarga. Cuma penawarnya (opah)sudah tiada. Jadi aku fikir, luka yang dalam ini mungkin perlukan masa untuk sembuh. Lambat atau cepat, semua ini pengalaman yang mematangkan fikiran. jadi kepada insan yang datang dan menghulurkan cinta, aku sambut dengan mesra. Maafkan aku atas ketidak sempurnaan diri ku dan pulihkan ku sediakala.
Kalau aku rindukan dia sekalipun, ada yang lebih aku rindukan.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Each Tear
There’s something that I want to say,
But I feel I don't know how.
Until I just can’t hold it one more day,
So I think I let it out.
You’re on my mind more than I may show
You’re in my heart more than you may know
And the last thing that I want,
Is to you to fall apart.
Your future will be clearer,
I want you to remember.
In each tear
there’s a lesson, (there’s a lesson)
Makes you wiser than before (wiser)
Makes you stronger than you know (stronger)
In each tear (each tear)
Brings you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what your meant to be...
We can’t change the things,
That we done, that’s in the past.
But fighting won’t get us anywhere,
So if you want, Here’s my hand...
Every night there is one thing I do
I bow my head and pray for you (pray for you)
And the last thing that I want,
Is for you to fall apart
you're future will be clearer
I want you to remember
In each tear
there’s a lesson, (there’s a lesson)
Makes you wiser than before (wiser)
Makes you stronger than you know (stronger)
In each tear (each tear)
Brings you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what you're meant to be
You're much more than a struggle that you go through
You're not defined by your pain, so let it go...
You’re not a victim, you're more like a winner
And you’re not in defeat, you're more like a queen
In each tear
there’s a lesson,
Makes you wiser than before
Makes you stronger than you know (stronger than you know)
In each tear ( in each tear)
Brings you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what your meant to be
In each tear (each tear)
there’s a lesson, (there’s a lesson)
Makes you wiser than before (wiser)
Makes you stronger than you know
In each tear ( Make you so much more)
Bring you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what your meant to be
No no we can’t be held down
No no oh noo I I I can’t held down
You you you can’t be held down
We we we can’t be held down
Love
It makes you so much stronger (stronger)
It makes you so much wiser (wiser)
In each tear (in each tear)
And You so close to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak can’t take away you’re meant to be
But I feel I don't know how.
Until I just can’t hold it one more day,
So I think I let it out.
You’re on my mind more than I may show
You’re in my heart more than you may know
And the last thing that I want,
Is to you to fall apart.
Your future will be clearer,
I want you to remember.
In each tear
there’s a lesson, (there’s a lesson)
Makes you wiser than before (wiser)
Makes you stronger than you know (stronger)
In each tear (each tear)
Brings you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what your meant to be...
We can’t change the things,
That we done, that’s in the past.
But fighting won’t get us anywhere,
So if you want, Here’s my hand...
Every night there is one thing I do
I bow my head and pray for you (pray for you)
And the last thing that I want,
Is for you to fall apart
you're future will be clearer
I want you to remember
In each tear
there’s a lesson, (there’s a lesson)
Makes you wiser than before (wiser)
Makes you stronger than you know (stronger)
In each tear (each tear)
Brings you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what you're meant to be
You're much more than a struggle that you go through
You're not defined by your pain, so let it go...
You’re not a victim, you're more like a winner
And you’re not in defeat, you're more like a queen
In each tear
there’s a lesson,
Makes you wiser than before
Makes you stronger than you know (stronger than you know)
In each tear ( in each tear)
Brings you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what your meant to be
In each tear (each tear)
there’s a lesson, (there’s a lesson)
Makes you wiser than before (wiser)
Makes you stronger than you know
In each tear ( Make you so much more)
Bring you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what your meant to be
No no we can’t be held down
No no oh noo I I I can’t held down
You you you can’t be held down
We we we can’t be held down
Love
It makes you so much stronger (stronger)
It makes you so much wiser (wiser)
In each tear (in each tear)
And You so close to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak can’t take away you’re meant to be
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Thank you
You called me again. Suddenly, u was telling me that you are going to the place where we used to have lotsa memories there. I just said, 'ok'. And it bothers you because i said just 'ok'. According to u, i used to cried manja, 'nak ikut.. nak ikut'. According to u, i have changed. Well, to know that you still care of the smallest things i said and done... i don't know to explain but i feel a kind of relief inside. U msg me tonight. U said that u missed me. I wonder if u worries because im staying alone now. Well, if its true, I feel pleased inside. I just wanna say thank you.. but i don't know how to say it to you.
"Thank you"
Sang Mantan
Nidji – Sang Mantan
dulu aku kau puja
dulu aku kau sayang
dulu aku sang juara
yang selalu engkau cinta
kini roda telah berputar
kini aku kau hina
kini aku kau buang
jauh dari hidupmu
kini aku sengsara
roda memang telah berputar
mana janji manismu
mencintaiku sampai mati
kini engkau pun pergi
saat ku terpuruk sendiri
akulah sang mantan
akulah sang mantan
sakit teriris sepi
ketika cinta telah pergi
akulah sang mantan
akulah sang mantan
mana janji manismu
setia sampai aku mati
kini engkau pun pergi
saat ku jatuh dan sendiri
mana janji manismu
mencintaiku sampai mati
kini engkau pun pergi
saat ku terpuruk sendiri
akulah sang mantan
akulah sang mantan
akulah sang mantan
akulah sang mantan
mana janji-janjimu
Akulah Sang Mantan
I was mad yesterday. I was sad yesterday. I was angry of what we have become. I remember you told me that you would take care of me. I also remember you said it will have to end one day. I couldn't ask you to give me more. Cause as human, kita xkan pernah cukup. If i ask you for one more day, it will end tommorow. When tomorrow comes, I would ask for another day. And it will keep going on like that. Is it true that everything has an expiry date? I do believe so. Why? Even human expired. Our expiry date will be the very day when we die. How about love? I am not sure of that. Maybe yes, maybe no.
I was angry when you suggested me to go back to where i came from. (laughing to myself). I feel like i was once your favourite car. Or maybe your favourite camera. U were so into me that u spend almost all of your time with me. U always wanted to take care of me. See all? When you fall on 2nd place, u gotta really have a strong heart. Maybe because he has been doing that for almost for 4 years now, i guess he got tired. It's okay. We all got tired because we are human. Now that i'm not your favourite car anymore, i'm broken all the time. What's best is to send me back to the manufacturer (which is my mum n dad).
Today, I am all alone in this big city of kuala lumpur. My housemate left me with the house all alone. I never sleep in my room anymore. I always sleep at the hall. I always leave the tv on when I sleep.. so that I don't feel alone. My parent? No, they don't know any of my trouble. I bear it alone. I travel to puchong everyday to work. I got stuck in traffic for almost 40 mins everyday. I ate breakfast in the car. I listen to music in my car and trying to avoid any happy love songs. I am not mad of what you have turned into. It was always not meant to be mine.
Our life is like a story book. Not every chapter is as exiciting. The climax in the story happen only once. I have been there with you. Where I was the most happiest girl in the world. No matter how much the author enjoy writting the story, he or she will still have to compose the closure for it. No matter how sad the reader will be as the story will about to end, they still have to close the book and move on. I wish to stop complaining. It's time for you to give time for yourself cos u spent too much for me. i wish to stop complaining cos i still wanna have that conversation with you. Where you would call me and have a lil chit chat about life. I dun know what we are now. But I do know that I still love you. Whatever we are now, I leave it to u to decide. I always hope the best for you.
I dun consider myself as a loser when u walked away and leaving me alone. I consider myself as a proud woman. I was blinded by love that I am willing to be hurt. But I will not ruined whatever you have now just because I was blinded by love. Yes, tears will still run down my cheek but I have no ill wishes or whatsoever againts you. Friends have warned me that this day will come. Mom and dad have told me that you will leave me. But i didnt expect it to be so painful.
I am a sang mantan. Miss everything about you. I surrender my heart now...
Monday, March 1, 2010
LOVE AND HATE
Love and hate are one of the strongest opposites in my dichotomous thinking. Why then unhappy love often turns into deep hate and ruined relationships? A person in love loves everyone. This overwhelmingly positive feeling can change the world drastically. A person in hate becomes an enormous destructive force. It drives to an abyss of violence.
Have you ever experienced real light of love and real darkness of hate?
Love may be more powerful than hate because, as it was in the song, love can lead to hate, whereas hate never produces love. Love is more powerful because it gives birth to new positive challenges. Love changes a person, enriches the world, extends the horizons, enhances opportunities, brightens friendships, and deepens emotions. A person in love has a specific aura, a peculiar kind of energy that is given off, scattered in all directions, like the light of the myriads of stars, sliding through ages, celebrating Juliet, Laura, Natasha, Ophelia, Desdemona, all those love stories, powerful in their complexity of feelings and emotions, all about eternal love.
But love can go away. It simply disappears, vanishes. So powerful to disappear, or love never goes away. Love is powerful because it can transform. It is, in fact, a transforming process of flexible relationships, in which intimacy remains stable.
Who ever lived to hate? Love is powerful because it drives, navigates, directs, and makes my existence meaningful. Hate invites loneliness, whereas love denies it. Hate ruins personality, whereas love builds ego identity. Hate results in acts of violence, whereas love leads to amazing acts of kindness. Hate destroys, whereas love creates. Hate is war, whereas love is peace. Hate is bad, whereas love is good. Hate is revenge, whereas love is construction. Hate is meaningless, whereas love is meaningful. It is impossible "to love to hate". It is always "love" that gives birth to "hate". That's why love is more powerful than hate.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Good Lord, I Have a Complaint.
Its has been 40 days since she left me.
I moved on because people around me told me so and they made me believe that if you are still alive now, you wouldn't want to see me sad either.
I moved on because people around me told me so and they made me believe that if you are still alive now, you wouldn't want to see me sad either.
But there are times..
It happens, only sometimes.
When i remember you.. I remember on how you smile. When you smile, your face will glow.
When you laugh, you giggle like a child.
I miss that.
When you was sad and worried, you sighed silently but i was still able to hear it. Then you threw a worry stare far away, out of the window of my very room. When i told you not to worry, you lied by telling me you are not.
Thinking that when I call home now, I can't ask for you anymore.
It hurt me so deeply inside.
So Dear Allah, I want to let you know. That I feel this burden in my chest.
It's as heavy as a giant iced rock.
Sometimes, it resulted silent tears in my eyes.
For every silents tears that came out from my eyes, I would feel a slow sliced cut in my heart.
So Lord, I want to make a complaint.
THIS HURT!
I have a message.
I want to tell you, opah.
There is not much to worry now.
I am a lecturer now. Only for temporary.
I will look for opputunity to get into government and become a school teacher like you always wanted me to become.
I have only a few things to arrange, opah. So, don't worry anymore.
Just rest in peace.
There will be time when we shall meet again.
Until then, I'm just gonna wait.
It happens, only sometimes.
When i remember you.. I remember on how you smile. When you smile, your face will glow.
When you laugh, you giggle like a child.
I miss that.
When you was sad and worried, you sighed silently but i was still able to hear it. Then you threw a worry stare far away, out of the window of my very room. When i told you not to worry, you lied by telling me you are not.
Thinking that when I call home now, I can't ask for you anymore.
It hurt me so deeply inside.
So Dear Allah, I want to let you know. That I feel this burden in my chest.
It's as heavy as a giant iced rock.
Sometimes, it resulted silent tears in my eyes.
For every silents tears that came out from my eyes, I would feel a slow sliced cut in my heart.
So Lord, I want to make a complaint.
THIS HURT!
I have a message.
I want to tell you, opah.
There is not much to worry now.
I am a lecturer now. Only for temporary.
I will look for opputunity to get into government and become a school teacher like you always wanted me to become.
I have only a few things to arrange, opah. So, don't worry anymore.
Just rest in peace.
There will be time when we shall meet again.
Until then, I'm just gonna wait.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Masa College
I woke up early today as it is my first day of job in Masa College. Malaysian Academic & Skills Advancement College. It sounds good to me. It's actually a new college and still growing. However, with the achievement it has now, I'm quite proud to be part of the group of people with the responsibilities to drive this institutional forward. My boss, whom is also my HOD (Head of Department) named Madam Hanim.
She is.. how do i say ya, she is a very nice person. She said i can always ask anything and she is willing to teach me when possible. It's just that she is quite a busy woman and she said I had to grab her every time when I see her available. She is energetic, expressive and her English.. Good Lord, she is amazing.
My other two friends, Fatah and Liyana, they are English Lecturer for English Faculty currently. Now that I'm in the team, it makes 4 of us now. Fatah and Liyana kinda bully me. But despite that, they are friendly and likes to joke around with me. Therefore, I didn't feel the burden of the load work too much. Well, I didnt complain about the work load since Madam Hanim warned me on the interview day about the stress working as Lecturer in Masa College. Like she said, "I have to tell you Rose, the pressure is very tremendous!"
I wasn't given heavy or serious task during my first day of work. Because they are having English Week for the student currently, so what i did is I help out a lil bit of this and that. Next week, new intakes will be coming in. I had to do a lot of photostatting. Seriously, I never touched a photostat machine previously. So I'm quite proud with myself that i know how to handle the machine now. Trust me, men are even worst! I rather spend my time with the photostat machine. At least, is bertindak mengikut arahan. Men? They don't. Lol
I'm looking forward to a better life. I hope my grandma can see me from above and maybe be a lil proud? I love my job now. I was in love with my previous job with M1 but now I love my job even more than the previous one I had. Wish myself a sweeeett good luck!
She is.. how do i say ya, she is a very nice person. She said i can always ask anything and she is willing to teach me when possible. It's just that she is quite a busy woman and she said I had to grab her every time when I see her available. She is energetic, expressive and her English.. Good Lord, she is amazing.
My other two friends, Fatah and Liyana, they are English Lecturer for English Faculty currently. Now that I'm in the team, it makes 4 of us now. Fatah and Liyana kinda bully me. But despite that, they are friendly and likes to joke around with me. Therefore, I didn't feel the burden of the load work too much. Well, I didnt complain about the work load since Madam Hanim warned me on the interview day about the stress working as Lecturer in Masa College. Like she said, "I have to tell you Rose, the pressure is very tremendous!"
I wasn't given heavy or serious task during my first day of work. Because they are having English Week for the student currently, so what i did is I help out a lil bit of this and that. Next week, new intakes will be coming in. I had to do a lot of photostatting. Seriously, I never touched a photostat machine previously. So I'm quite proud with myself that i know how to handle the machine now. Trust me, men are even worst! I rather spend my time with the photostat machine. At least, is bertindak mengikut arahan. Men? They don't. Lol
I'm looking forward to a better life. I hope my grandma can see me from above and maybe be a lil proud? I love my job now. I was in love with my previous job with M1 but now I love my job even more than the previous one I had. Wish myself a sweeeett good luck!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Lost
i just sat a beach just now. i was with a friend. Thinking about life and everything about it. My friend said i wishes too much. Not sure of what it means. Sometimes. I feel like I am one ungrateful human being. I complained too much. I nag too much! Myself is like splitting into two pieces. One is always positive and another is always negative. And the negative one seem to be in control all the time and stronger than my other half.
In one glance, i looked like a girl who owned almost everything i want. but inside, if u look carefully, i am a girl who is confused about almost everything. I made a mess out of my life and how worst can it be than this? Well, i have decided, this is just another rough and hard phase of my life that i have to go through. I've been worst than this! What harm can this do to me now?
At this point, when im writing this, i feel a bit lost and emptiness inside me. I also feel a lil bit angry. Disappointment. Lately ive been feeling all the negative feelings. I lost directions. Im worried all the time! I am going to start again. Fresh. I will not loose directions again. I know my priority now. I will right whatever i did wrong. I will be okay! I will run before i could walk again! And when it's done, I'm gonna tell u when its done!
I feel unloved always. I lost my grandma forever. The only person who i can be sure have loved me so much. So far, the only good things that has ever happen to me after my grandma's death is i got a job as a lecturer in Puchong. I'm not sure if this is the beginning of good things or the other way round. I feel it is the beginning of the good things. Ive been jobless for 2 months and that's the reason why my life is going down, down, down.
Im certain, this one can be right. I feel it right. Wish me luck to re-correct my life again.
In one glance, i looked like a girl who owned almost everything i want. but inside, if u look carefully, i am a girl who is confused about almost everything. I made a mess out of my life and how worst can it be than this? Well, i have decided, this is just another rough and hard phase of my life that i have to go through. I've been worst than this! What harm can this do to me now?
At this point, when im writing this, i feel a bit lost and emptiness inside me. I also feel a lil bit angry. Disappointment. Lately ive been feeling all the negative feelings. I lost directions. Im worried all the time! I am going to start again. Fresh. I will not loose directions again. I know my priority now. I will right whatever i did wrong. I will be okay! I will run before i could walk again! And when it's done, I'm gonna tell u when its done!
I feel unloved always. I lost my grandma forever. The only person who i can be sure have loved me so much. So far, the only good things that has ever happen to me after my grandma's death is i got a job as a lecturer in Puchong. I'm not sure if this is the beginning of good things or the other way round. I feel it is the beginning of the good things. Ive been jobless for 2 months and that's the reason why my life is going down, down, down.
Im certain, this one can be right. I feel it right. Wish me luck to re-correct my life again.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Opah
I don't know how to start. I don't even know how to write now. Losing you, mean losing my soul. When I'm without my soul, what is the different between live and dead?
20.01.2010 / 4.11am
U were lying there in pain. .i was the last person to see u. i missed a lot of oppurtunity which i let go and took u for granted. no body told me yr heart stopped beating. when i found out, it scared me allright. why did u leave me? didn't i tell you to be strong? didn't i tell u to fight and get up? didn't i asked u to wait and hold on? or was it really that u can't hold any longer?
i'm confused..
There's still a lot to tell. There's still a lot to show to u. There's still much that u should know. I want u to know that when u called me in pain, i heard u. And tat's y i quickly held yr hand. I want u to know, that when i held your hand, it was cold and i know u was in pain by the look of yr eyes. how i wish i can do something to make it go away. I want and I need u to feel better!
I want u to know that I still remember yr eyes, yr face and yr voice calling my name in pain. I want u to know that it disturbed me but i don't want to forget it. Lord, pls keep me reminded. When i held yr hand it was not long. I just need a lil bit more time to b with u. I'm not asking for years, just need a few hours maybe. Too much huh Lord?
but i know u tried to hold on to your best. cos when yr heart stopped beating.. u came back again and tats when i saw u and u saw me. that's when u called my name and i held yr hand. it was less than 5 min and after that u were gone. u never open yr eyes again. i wonder if u listen to every word i whispered to u.
I wanted to asked u if u love me and how much? I wanted to let u know that i love u and so much! I want u to know that i am so lonely now. I am mourning yr death. I want u to know that i am thinking of giving up now. I can't seem to think straight now. I need u like how u need me before. When i went to see u, and recite yassin for u, i wonder if i did it okay? i want u to know that i talked to u and wanted u to visit me in my dreams. I wonder if u hear..
will u ever come?
fairos syg opah. Hamidah binti Ibrahim. ampunkan dosa fairos. terima kasih bela fairos. tunggu fairos. rindunya pada opah tak terbendung lagi.
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